The Woman Who Could Tell You What Everyone Else Needed

She could tell you what her partner needed,

What her boss needed, What her children needed, What her friends needed.

She could sense tension in a room before anyone spoke a word. She knew how to adapt, accommodate, smooth things over, and keep things running.

But when I asked her a simple question—

“What do you need?”

She went silent.

Not because she didn’t care, but because she genuinely didn’t know.

When Self-Abandonment Looks Like Being “Good”

Many people think self-abandonment looks obvious.

They imagine someone with low self-esteem who never speaks up.

In reality, it often looks like competence.

It looks like being dependable, Helpful,

Thoughtful, Responsible.

The nervous system learns early that staying connected to other people is important. For some of us, that lesson becomes so strong that we unconsciously begin monitoring everyone else while losing awareness of ourselves.

Over time, we become experts in others and strangers to ourselves.

The Body Often Notices Before We Do

One of the things I see frequently in somatic therapy is that the body often recognizes self-abandonment long before the mind does.

People describe:

– Tightness in the chest

– A heavy feeling in the heart

– Shoulder tension

– Back pain

– Gut discomfort

– Exhaustion that doesn’t improve with rest

The body is often carrying the weight of unmet needs, unspoken feelings, and chronic over-responsibility.

When we repeatedly override our own signals, the body keeps trying to get our attention.

Not as a punishment, but as communication.

The Cost of Being Easygoing

Many clients tell me:

“I’m easygoing.”

“I don’t care where we do.”

“Whatever works for you.”

This used to be me too.

At first glance, these statements sound flexible and generous.

Sometimes they are.

But sometimes they’re evidence that someone has become disconnected from their own preferences.

When you’ve spent years adapting to others, having an opinion can feel surprisingly vulnerable.

Knowing what you want can feel risky.

Expressing it can feel even riskier.

Why People-Pleasing Isn’t Really About Pleasing

People-pleasing is rarely about being nice.

More often, it’s about safety.

At some point, your nervous system may have learned:

– If others are happy, I’m safe.

– If others approve of me, I’m okay.

– If I take care of everyone else, I won’t be rejected.

These strategies often begin as intelligent adaptations.

The problem is that what helped us survive can later prevent us from fully living.

The Moment Things Begin to Change

Healing often begins with surprisingly small questions:

– What am I feeling right now?

– What do I need?

– What do I want?

– What does my body say about this?

Not what everyone else wants, or what everyone else expects, or what would make everyone else comfortable.

Just you.

At first, these questions can feel unfamiliar.

Over time, they become a pathway back home.

Returning to Yourself

The goal isn’t becoming selfish.

The goal is becoming visible to yourself again.

To remember that your needs matter too.

That your preferences matter.

That your voice matters.

That your body has wisdom.

The women I work with are often surprised to discover that anxiety decreases when they stop carrying responsibility for everyone else’s emotions.

Not because life becomes easier.

But because they are no longer abandoning themselves in the process.

And perhaps that’s what healing often is:

Not becoming someone new.

But remembering the person who was there all along, and who matters just as much as everyone else.

With Love,

Dia